The day I surrendered trying to do it all...changed my life.
Hi. I’m Amanda and a lot of days I think I’ve gone off my rocker. Not crazy as in lock me up, but crazy as in “how many different things can you think about at one time”, crazy. I’m a wife, mom, dog owner, business owner, business partner, an entrepreneur, friend, sister, daughter, visionary, dreamer, a shoulder, an ear, a sound bar (that might be the same thing as ear). I love to work out, eat cookies and cake, smile, read, laugh my ass off, be sarcastic, collect hobbies – play guitar, write, coach, sing, learn Spanish, bake…these are all very half-assed hobbies as they haven't lasted more than two months. I'm a personal development junkie and I’m kind of loud. I’m also that friend that will be honest and I’m still not sure if that’s a good thing or not. My friends still ask me to hang out, so I guess they still love me!
Oh, and I wish I would have paid better attention in my writing classes. I’m sure my teachers would not be excited with how I write…sorry in advance.
As I was nursing Baby E one night, thoughts just started to rush through my head and wouldn’t stop. So, I decided to put those thoughts on paper. As I crawled into bed my husband said, “What are you doing now?” I told him I was going to write some stuff down to get it out of my head and be able to sleep better. He asked what I was writing about…”I don’t know…life?” He quickly rolled over and fell right to sleep, excited for another hobby of mine. Everyday I ask myself why in the world he love me and how in the world did I get so lucky to get to call him my husband. He’s caring, smart, witty, handsome, has a heart of gold and is rather patient with me….I know…I’m telling you, I got super lucky. Another plus, his family is amazing.
So, this is a lot of word vomit…questions, random facts, out loud thoughts and opinions that I’m sure a lot of people will care about.
Questions I’ve been battling a lot lately:
Who am I?
What am I supposed to be?
What is my purpose?
What part of my life do I concentrate on?
How am I going to change the world and make it a happier place?
A good friend of mine keeps telling me that it’s okay not to know. She also told me to stop trying to control things and to stop trying to think I have to be perfect. It’s a good thing I really like her…we’re a lot alike…it’s a little scary.
In the last 6.5 months my life has completely changed. We had a sweet little girl on June 9th. That day I didn’t realize my entire world was going to change. I went from an independent, stubborn, hardass, workaholic, to a mom. Now, I‘m not saying that those characteristics have gone away completely, but wow has my life changed…for the better of course. People tell you, “Those little bundles of joy will change your life.” Come on…CHANGE YOUR LIFE…that’s a little extreme. Obviously, we’ll have few nights out at the bar, a little more laundry, bedtime stories and memories to be made.
Okay, yes, they all win. I seriously had NO idea how much of my life would change. This little girl has brought out feelings in me that I did not know existed. A single dad that was in the military raised me. He has 3 brothers and worked his ass off to support my brother and I. Let me tell you…it was not butterflies and rainbows growing up. But, as I have gotten older, I’m glad it wasn’t. We were taught manners, how to work hard, and how to not spend money like an idiot.
Where am I going with this? I didn’t really know how I was going to be a good mom. I was so scared. I I felt I had more testosterone than estrogen…was I going to be too hard on this kid? Was I going to be emotional enough? What if I had a girl? I felt I could handle a boy…I mean I was a tomboy. A split second before my husband announced that we had a girl, I knew it was (yes, we were those parents that didn’t’ find out). At that moment, I knew I was given a little girl for a reason. We need more girls that are headstrong and have big dreams. I was still scared, but I knew the world was lucky to have this little girl.
Now, I did not realize that I would become so obsessed with such a tiny little human. Seriously, she has filled my heart and I want to eat her face because she’s so cute.
But, seriously. I found out within the first week that I wanted my cake and I wanted to eat it…every.single.last.bite. I want to be a mom that is present in her life and I also want to work. Why is it that we have to choose between the two? Why do we put so much pressure on ourselves to try and create a perfect balance? A balance that does not exist.
Fast-forward two months…the hardest two months of my life I will add. I remember the night I waved my white flag in this new life I was living. I wrote an email to a life coach I had met through a networking group (oh, add networker to the list)…this is the night I confessed to her that I didn’t know which way was up. I was trying to be a mom, a wife of a traveling husband, a realtor, a brand partner with a relationship marketing company, a dog owner, a maid, a cook, a friend and a daughter. Oh, and I had a business idea that I wanted to pursue…go big or go home, right?! I told you I’m a dreamer. I finally caved; I couldn’t do or control everything all on my own.
This, my friends, was the best thing I have ever done for myself. I admitted to myself that I needed help and needed some questions answered. She has opened my eyes to so many things. She helped me dig down and work on my foundation. All those feelings that I have pushed down over the last 30 years…they started to come out…they came out in the way of tears, laughs, a couple smacks in the face and even light bulbs turning on.
My biggest question I asked…why did I not do this sooner? You know why, because I wasn’t ready for it. Thank you Baby E for getting my ass into that chair.
Okay, my husband has rolled over 3 times, so I’m going to step down off my soapbox and end this session. So my questions for others, why do we take so long to wave the white flag? Is it because we’re too proud? Is it because we don’t want Suzy to gossip about how we don’t have our shit together? Guess what ladies…who cares? It’s time to stop worrying about what Suzy thinks, be comfortable in our skin and support each other.