Mother's Day (2016)
This was written last year...every year it gets better. Surround yourself with those who love you.
For the last 11 years I never paid attention to the date of Mother’s Day. For the last 11 years this day hasn’t been about flowers, cards, gifts or Facebook posts bragging on how awesome my mom was. For the last 11 years I’ve had to buy a card for someone else’s mom and pretend it didn’t really bother me. For the past 11 years I’ve called my dad and told him I loved him and jokingly told him Happy Mother’s Day. Every year I would try and block out the feelings and hurt.
I would suck it up and know it could be worse and tried to focus and appreciate what I did have.
I will never understand the reasons my mom made the decisions she did…why she left…why she turned to drugs, alcohol, and guys that didn’t appreciate her. I will never understand her reasons, but I thank her.
I thank her because she showed me who I didn’t want to become.
Tonight I spent a little extra time playing with Ellie, a little more time staring straight into her eyes before she drifted off to sleep, and I gave her a couple more kisses as I laid her down into her crib. I looked her in the eyes and promised her I would never leave her and that I will be the best mom I know how to be. I told her we may not always agree on things, but I will do what I think is best for her.
“I’m the luckiest mom” was always a cliché until today, when I felt those words in my heart.
As I scrolled through Facebook and saw all the photos and shout outs for Mother’s Day, I admit, I started feeling pretty shitty…a little envious. So, I sat my phone down, ate a piece of cake and cried. Will there be a day when I don’t have some anger…yes, I believe so.
The day I let all of that anger and hurt go will be the beginning of something amazing. I’m not there yet, but I know I’m close. For now, I will wipe away my tears and be grateful for the amazing women I have in my life who help fill that hole. Because of those women, I’ve learned how to be the best mom ever.
I recently read a quote that stated,
I needed to read that and I am extremely glad I did. It stings when I read it, but it reminds me of what Ellie needs.
For those that don’t have a “birth mom” to celebrate this day with…for whatever reason…I’m thinking of you. It sucks, but be grateful for all of those amazing friends and family you surround yourself with.
Happy Mother’s Day to all of you badass moms out there. I hope you’re reading this while wearing your “World’s Greatest Mom” shirt or drinking wine out of you “#1 Mom” coffee mug.